So, I should really really be doing my Physics homework right now but I feel the need to rant. Oh, and someone is on my usual couch right now so I have to be sitting at a desk which sux. It is easier to just relax and rant if I can relax. Lol. Anyways, today wasn’t that bad I guess. The weather suxed. It was like insanely cold and windy. Like we actually had wind advisories and had like 50-60 mph winds. Lol, I am being random tonight. So I had a comp sci test today. That went ok. I think I will do ok. Ok, forget the random going through the meaningless details of my day. That is what I used to do and I don’t really feel like wasting time recalling the details of what I did today. So the big thing is that I went to the psychologist today. Idk why but I had a lot of anxiety about going there. I was really depressed too. I was sitting in the waiting room and I felt horrible. Talking to him wasn’t that bad though. He is one of the few people that I actually don’t mind talking to. I basically went in there and explained that I was there basically because I was being forced to. I told him about the whole thing with public safety and the conduct board. I also told him that they were being stupid and really taking away my options which is true. I either do a program that I don’t believe will actually work or I die. My chances are great. Lol. He said that it was sad and also said that he didn’t believe that I should have to take meds if I didn’t want to. He was actually really adamant about that one. He said that he was the doctor and the one that had gone to school for so many years and he is the only one that can prescribe me meds. We talked about the fact that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and was pretty frustrated with everything. I also told him about the whole fact that I can no longer cause myself enough physical pain to handle what I feel. Again, he just said it was sad. He seems to take an interest in the fact that I feel the need to hurt myself, especially since I choose to strangle myself. He seems to respect that I do it because I experience pain beyond what he can imagine. He asked me if I was still having suicidal tendencies and I said kinda. I probably shouldn’t have said that. He then asked if I was like planning anything and I said no, at which point he asked me if I would even tell him if I was. Again I told him no. Now that I think about it I really shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t seem all that concerned tho. Idk. I mean, when he first asked me about the choking thing I could tell he was concerned because he was all serious. This was more casual. I really have to be careful tho. I see such topics of conversation as casual but obviously the rest of the world doesn’t. I don’t think he will like go to the authorities though because he seemed to understand that it wasn’t exactly helping me. Everyone interfering in my life is only making things worse. He also agreed with me on the whole not liking when people tell you what to do. I still need to be careful. It is stupid to expect anyone to be able to handle the fact that I have suicidal tendencies. Gah. I feel like crap. I don’t want to do my homework. I am so incredibly exhausted. I really just don’t want to do anything. Everything is so incredibly unbearable. Oh, I thought about trying to OD a little bit ago. I had 18 of the Celexa because I abruptly stopped taking them instead when I wasn’t exactly supposed to. But I looked online and it said that it basically wouldn’t do all that much. I then looked through my drawer and I have some of the Zoloft stuff. I have 19 of those. They have been just sitting there for a couple months because I only took a few and then had to stop because they made me insanely depressed. Pretty much like I am right now. Lol. I thought of taking both, and maybe some of the sleeping med too but I decided not to. I don’t even know what really would have been my intention of doing it. I wasn’t exactly suicidal. I am just frustrated. I am exhausted. I am so sick of fight. I am so sick of struggling. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to be destructive in some way. Choking myself seems pointless now unless I am going to use it to kill myself. I can deal with the pain pretty easily now, which is weird because it is pretty intense pain. Well, I guess it’s not weird. I just learned to adapt. I really want to do something destructive right now. Like I don’t even really care what at the moment. I want to do something impulsive. I want to hurt myself in some way. I want to cause myself pain. I cannot deal with this. I have tons of work that I should be doing right now and I can’t focus. I don’t know how to do half the stuff in physics and it frustrates me so much. I just can’t deal with it. I am so completely drained. I am not all that suicidal but I just want it to all go away. It’s not even the really end it all thing, I just can’t deal with it all right now. *sigh* I am pretty much talking in circles right now though and I have tons of work to do so I need to stop writing.